Evening Crazies, Coming Soon to a Kitty Near… Me

Scared Kitty’s results came back clean, thank God!  It was a pretty rough night of worry.  But fortunately, it seems Scared Kitty will likely be just fine.

I took Scared Kitty to the Alameda Pet Hospital yesterday afternoon to be examined and checked out.  The initial examination did indicate that he was slightly dehydrated and that he had “stool in his colon”.  I believe that translates as, “He’s constipated.”   The doctor was dutiful and listed for me all the possibilities and indicated that in a cat of SK’s age, we have to look at a lot of possible issues.  He listed things like Kidney Disease, Thyroid problems and Cancer.  The kidney disease and cancer hit me hard as that’s what Vengeful Mother was told about her cat “Miss Kitty” before she had to be put to sleep.

The vet did a physical examination, and then took him into the lab to gather a blood and urine sample and administer a “sub-cutaneous saline bubble”, read water bubble.  I was also told to buy some good old fashioned baby food and try to get him to eat that.  It seems really strange to buy baby food for my cat (and it lends support to my “this is as close as I’m going to get to parenthood” argument) but it seems to be of interest to him.  The only problem is he doesn’t eat very much at a time and if it’s left sitting out it gets a dry crustiness on the top of it after a while.

I brought Scared Kitty back home before going to get the baby food and as soon as I let him out of his carrier, he made a b-line for his food bowl and ate several pieces of his normal food.  I called the Vet but they said that he needs the ‘bland diet” to settle his stomach so I went ahead and got the baby food.

The vet called me today at 12:02 (I was told between 12 and 5 – Big points for the vet!) and said that the blood work and urine analysis were pretty favorable.  Healthy kidneys and thyroid and no indication of cancer.  The only point of concern was that some of his liver enzymes were “slightly elevated” which could indicated a “mild inflammation” of either his liver or his pancreas.  Then he asked me if his condition had changed.  Thanks the Good Lord, it had!

I made the decision last night to stay home from work today, in part to “take care of my sick child”, which is somewhat true, in that he did need to be monitored and fed.  But I also, wasn’t sure how things were going to turn out, and if today was going to turn out to be some of the last few hours of his life, I wanted to spend them with him!  The bonus to that decision was that I was able to sleep in as well.  When I opened my bedroom door this morning (scared kitty isn’t allowed in my bedroom) I immediately saw a piece of cat poop on the floor.  I have never been so happy! to see cat poop outside of the litter pan before.  There were a couple places where he pooped and some of it was of a diarrhea consistency, but at least he moved his bowels.  The water bubble was absorbed almost completely within a few hours.  And almost immediately his coat started to look better.  We may be in good shape after all.

The Vet said to keep feeding him the baby food and keep an eye on him over the week-end and then check back in with him on Monday.  If he’s not doing better than I need to bring him in so they can x-ray his abdomen to see what they might see.  But it looks promising.

Today, Scared Kitty has an optimistic and encouraged daddy!

A Turning Point, Part 2

Naturally, I really didn’t know what to expect by way of a response from Vengeful Mother to my Lead Balloons e-mail, but I didn’t expect her to take a week to reply.  Yet, take a week she did:

I know you’re waiting for a response to your “lead balloons” email.  I’m sorry, but I’ve thought and thought about it, and there just isn’t anything I can say in response to it – especially considering that anything I say seems to hurt your feelings.  I’m sorry you feel the way you feel about all this.  I’m sorry your feelings are hurt.  We could go back and forth with it forever, I suppose.  You’ve said several things about which I could argue, but there would be no point.  If you don’t know by now that I love you and believe in you, there’s little I can do to change that.  Loving and believing in someone never has meant thinking they can do no wrong.  “Unconditional love and approval and support” is an unrealistic – and much too broad – expectation on your part.  At the moment, all I can do is keep quiet lest I say something else that will offend you.  “I’m not sure what it was you expected when you sent me this note, but for now this is the best I can do.

It’s too bad.  I miss you.

The truth is, I expected more from her, but as soon as I read this response I knew I should have known better.  I sort of expected anger and defensiveness from her.  I certainly didn’t expect this “Holier-than-thou” routine, though, again, I should have.  It seemed to me, at least at the time, like a bit of manipulation, whether deliberate or not.  Like so many people, it seemed like it was easier for her to push the fault back on me rather than acknowledge her own complicity.  What this e-mail definitely did do was remind me that there’s no getting through to her and that it’s a waste of time to try, and yet when I received her follow up e-mail I couldn’t, not respond:

Vengeful Mother wrote:

I need you to help me.  I’m afraid to talk to you because I don’t want to say something wrong.  I don’t want to have to walk on eggshells with you, but I don’t want this to go on.

I honestly don’t understand what I’ve done or said that is so awful.  I thought we were doing fine and had a good relationship.  Now I’m confused about it all.  I can’t become a person who just accepts without question.  I’m not that way about anything.  And I truly don’t believe healthy relationships operate that way.  Real love is love that sees and acknowledges shortcomings (Everybody has them!), but loves anyway.

I took a couple days to reply and I needed CPA Sis’s input before sending this:

I’m really not sure how to answer this e-mail…  There is so much to say, but I don’t believe any of it will matter.

The most important thing is this:  I never wanted us not to be able to talk or not be able to have a relationship.  It is actually very important to me that we not find ourselves in that position.  However, I just do not know how to communicate with you.  You seem to be unable to understand, or see my perspective.  I think you think this is all about the conversation we had the other week.  It’s not.  There is a lot more to it.  There are some very base level factors that come together to make it impossible for us to communicate.  Knowing that, it almost seems pointless to even try.

I hope you are not expecting a simple answer or an easy solution.  Clearly neither exists…but at least here are some things for you to think about.  One word of advise, if you choose to reply, telling me that I’m wrong about any of this is not a good idea.  Everything we are talking about here is perception; therefore, it is not wrong.  It is a matter of whether or not the perception matches the intention.  I am willing to accept that your intentions are usually good and you do not mean to be hurtful when you do the things you do.  But I also know that there are times when you believe you are justified in your actions and I really don’t think you are.  I just hope you’re willing to accept that other perspectives do exist and are just as valid as your own and maybe you’ll be able to start considering them.

Nothing written in my e-mail to you the other day, nor in this e-mail, is intended to be any sort of attack.  All I want is for us to be able to talk, openly, to be able to disagree without arguing, and to be able to agree to disagree without any judgment or condemnation.  However, in the final analysis, you do not seem to be able to do this, because you do not seem to be able to acknowledge the validity of any perspective besides your own.  I know you do not agree with that and I don’t know what else I can say that might make you consider the possibility.

You are a very black and white person.  For you, there is right (which is always your way) or there is wrong (which is anyone Else’s way if it is not in agreement with yours.)  There is certainly room for black and white thinking in this world.  The problem is that you do not accept the possibility that your view is not the only acceptable view.  You won’t “agree to disagree”.  If a person’s thinking and behavior isn’t in line with what you believe then that person is “wrong”.  Case closed.

I, on the other hand, see all colors.  There is a lot of gray in this world, and I see a lot of gray in our religion, and I do my best to live with it and try to do the things that I believe are right and just.  To paraphrase a portion of your side of our conversation, I am an adult, and the condition of my heart, or my soul, or my spirit or whatever you want to say…  That is between God and me.

You told me that I said several things, about which you could argue, but you were not going to do it, essentially, because you think I am going to get my feelings hurt.  This, by the way, is not about feelings or sensitivity.  It goes much deeper than that.  But again, I don’t know how to express it to you, because I don’t think you will accept it.

I guess the bottom line is this; we can never expect to come to a real understanding because we cannot communicate on a level playing field.  There is, however, a reasonable expectation that I wish was possible for you to accept.  I have always treated you with respect and love, even at the times when you think I’m not.  In a lot of ways, you have been my “best friend”.  You are always the one I think to talk to about things.  You are always the one I want to share news with.  But at the same time, I’ve always been afraid to talk to you about much of anything that matter’s because I always know that some kind of criticism will arise from it and every time I risk it, I’m proven right.  The other day is a perfect example.  I told you about my situation with the promotion/raise, and asked you to keep it in your prayers and keep faith with me.  Instead of being happy that I am trusting God to handle it and putting it before Him, you had to point out all the things I am not doing that you believe I should.  Moreover, the way in which you presented it was as if only if I saw eye to eye with you could I be right and justified before God, and that was the only way I was going to get what I needed.  It’s fine for you to believe what you believe and I don’t have a problem with it.  But it’s fine for me to believe what I believe too, and if they don’t happen to be exactly the same thing, that doesn’t really make either one of us wrong.  Either way, it does not preclude being supportive.

You still view me as a child – as your child.  However, I am not a child.  I know you will instantly say, “That’s not true.  I know you’re an adult, etc., etc.”  But think about that a little more in depth.   When we are together, you still boss me around.  You still impose your views on me.  You still “reprimand” me.  None of those things is fair.  Think about it…  Do you tell D-Lite (Vengeful Mother’s best friend) to “Shut up“?  Do you tell her to “Just stop complaining“?  Do you move to put your hand in her face – or possibly hit her – if she responds in opposition?  Do you make hateful faces at her?  No, I don’t think you do.  If you did, she would not be friends with you.  Why would you expect that I, at 29 years old, would respond positively, or kindly accept that from anyone?  The years of child rearing and reprimanding, are over for us, and I really do not think you recognize that fact.

There is so much more that could be said, but right now, I think this is quite enough to swallow, so I’ll close with this:  I know you are not a person who blindly accepts things.  Neither am I and I know that you made me that way.  With life in general, I believe that is a good characteristic for any person.  However, not when it comes to people and your feelings for and interactions with them.  And yes, Healthy relationships do operate that way.

When I said the other day that my whole life has been about getting your unconditional love and approval and support, I agree that is an unrealistic expectation.  Unconditional approval is a ridiculous concept.  That word just slipped in there.  Nevertheless, unconditional love and support should be a given from a parent and that is what I feel I do not have.  Every time you criticize me, every time you point out where I fall short, every time you shut me down verbally, I feel there is no love and support.  Every time you do these things what I hear you really saying is, “You’re not good enough the way you are.  I want you to be this way.  Then maybe you’ll be good enough.”  You said yourself, “Real love is love that sees and acknowledges shortcomings but loves anyway.”  That is very true.  But at the same time, “real love” doesn’t constantly bring up the shortcomings and criticize the “short comer.”  Why can’t you show that?

Finally, just so you know, as I said, this isn’t about “hurt feelings” or “walking on eggshells”.  Your choice not to respond before was far worse than anything you could have said, if you are willing to discuss this like adults and try to come to some sort of understanding that really is what I want.

It took more than two weeks for her to answer this e-mail, and I’m sorry to say, nothing was really accomplished:

This, from my child who loves me…

I’ve thought and thought about how to answer you.

First of all, I am very sorry for anything I may ever have said or done that damaged you in some way.  There has been a lot of hurt and rejection in my own life, you know – ever since I was a child.  I know that that has made me into a person who has lots of rough edges.  The Lord is constantly  at work in me, and he has done a redemptive work over the years of my life that is bigger than you could ever understand.  Its still going on, and it will continue as long as I live.  This ongoing redemption should be the stuff of life of every believer.  But I am particularly grateful for it because I started with such a deficit.

Secondly, I have to tell you that you are very wrong about my being a black-and-white person who does not recognize shades of gray.  I do see and acknowledge many shades of gray.  Where there are not, shades of gray, however, are the areas where the scripture gives us absolutes.  On those – you’re right – I don’t budge.  God honors and stands behind His Word.  The more closely we adhere to His Word and adapt ourselves and our lives to what it says, the more we are able to partake of his blessing.  There are things about which the “only acceptable view” is the scriptural view.  No one’s opinion – not yours and not mine – changes the truth of what the scripture says.  On these things, I am a black-and-white person, and I make no apologies for it.  Over the years of my life there have been many instances when I’ve changed my mind about a thing where my own opinion was at odds with the scripture.  That is always a wise thing to do.  The Bible says we are to “prove (discern the validity of) all things, ” and then “hold fast to that which is good.”

In speaking about the dynamic of the relationships among God’s people, the Bible says, “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another…”

I felt it was important to be clear on terminology here so I looked up the term “admonish”.  Websters II, New Riverside Dictionary, Revised Edition 1996 states:

Admonish: 1. To reprove mildly but seriously; 2.  To warn against something: Caution.

Synonyms:  Rebuke, Reprimand, Reproach, Reprove

Look, “Reprove” came up twice.  So I looked that up too:

Reprove: 1. To rebuke: scold.  2. To find fault with.

That’s one of the tings God’s people do for each other.  It doesn’t apply only to parents and children.  It applies to ALL of God’s people within the sphere of influence where He places them.  It’s a very important thing.  It keeps us from becoming too subjective in our understanding of the ways of God.  It’s a part of our relationships with one another, and it’s good for us.  Of all the people on the face of the earth who I care about, I care most about my children.  It is only natural that, the more we care for a person, the more this “teaching and admonishing” will be part of the relationship.  Nothing matters more to me than seeing you succeed in your life by walking, accurately and according to truth, with your God.  That is the motivation behind the things I say to you that you seem able to receive only as criticism.

This is the only way I know to be.  The Word of God is the most important thing in the world.  The time is getting very short.  IT is no myth to say that Jesus is coming VERY soon.  It is concrete truth.  And, until he does, this world will become less and less amendable to truth and less and less safe (physically and spiritually) for those who are not strong and mature and always growing in their walk with Him.  We need to put aside our own ways and thoughts and opinions and grow up and learn to live according to truth.  Jesus said, “God is spirit, and those who worship Him must worship Him in spirit and in truth.”  That means we are to be seeking always to know Him more accurately, to be constantly learning to perceive Him as He has revealed Himself – which quite often is not the same as we have perceived Him to be.  God is an objective, eternal, unchanging entity.  We don’t make Him up for ourselves.  He is who He is, and He doesn’t change.  Part of what God’s people are meant to do for each other is to help with this process.  I want all the people I love to be safe and blessed, in this world and the next.  This is part of my interaction with all my friends and family.  (Yes.  Even D-Lite.)  If you expect me to shut that down in order to be acceptable to you, you’re asking too much.

Honestly, I do my best not to think of you as a child.  However, I suspect it’s inevitable that some degree of that will always remain.  By the same token, I will always be your mother – and your elder.  As such (You know this, and you have always demonstrated it in your actions toward me.), a certain amount of respect and acceptance is appropriate from you, even at those times when I don’t do or say what you might like me to do or say.  We’re not just buddies.  I hope we will be that again, but we will never be only that.

Neither God nor I am sitting on some pedestal, watching you and evaluating you to determine whether you’re worthy of some blessing or other.  God’s blessings have already been poured out.  They are constantly flowing and available.  It is a matter of our learning how to adjust and position ourselves to be in the place where those blessings are flowing into this realm we live in.  This”place” I’m talking about is not so much a physical, geographical place – although sometimes that is part of it.  Rather, it is a way of thinking and believing and living – a way of being and speaking and obeying and expecting that puts us there.  That is only accomplished by knowing Him more and more each day, and by renewing our minds and conforming ourselves to what we learn.  When I make these suggestions to you, I’m not judging you and saying you’re not good enough.  NOBODY ever get this perfectly.  We always can improve.  I’ve walked this road a long time, though, and I can give the benefit of my experience to others if they’ll listen.  All I ever mean to say is “here is a thing that can be tweaked, an adjustment that can be made, that will help close the door to the thief (the devil) and help make you more available for the blessings God wants you to have in your life.”  It will never be true that your walk with God is your own business, and none of mine.  I love you too much for that.

And, honestly, many of my comments were made because I thought you already agreed with me – not because I was trying to make you change or make you do something.  It took me by surprise to realize you are as far away as you seem to be from the things I thought we shared.  My intent was to remind you, not to correct.

I believe that, by far, the greater portion of my infulicence in your life has been for good.  I apologize for the rest – For my own imperfectness and for the broken things within me that make me less than I should be.

Re-reading this exchange I find that it just sort of makes me feel sad.  Sad that I can’t communicate clearly with this woman who does mean so much to me.  Sad that she just can’t grasp that there is a bigger picture and that she can’t see past her own single minded focus of God, and Christianity, and spirituality.  I have always maintained that God is in everything but not everything is about God.  I think that’s the big difference between us.

But what I picked up, more than anything else, as I re-read these communique’s is this.  While arguing that I was wrong about her inability to accept any other perspectives, she also told me that the “Word of God” is the only perspective and on that she will not budge and she will not stop “admonishing” me.

My problem is that she believes that the Word of God is very cut and dried and there are no ifs, ands or buts.  Many other peopel believe that and it’s all well and good, but it’s not what I believe.  I have read every word of The Bible.  I read it and tried to make as much sense out of it as I could.  And, if I learned nothing else from that process, I learned that the Bible is not very cut and dried.  It’s very ambiguous.  It’s very myserious.  And most of all, it’s a historical document that was physically written by human beings (even if you do believe in the devine inspiration philosophy).  It was written by human beings, who may or may not have been inspired by the Holy Spirit (God if you prefer), but were nonetheless affected by their own personal beliefs and opinions as influenced by the times, AND it was written in a language that is dead and has been forgotten.  It has also been translated, repeatedly, into multiple languages and from those multiple languages into still more multiple languages.  Along the way, it would be very easy for the original content of the manuscript to have been confused and miscommunicated.

I believe that the Bible is an excellent baseline for establishing your faith, or your belief system, but I believe it is not all there is to it and never can be.  I believe that your spirit and your communion with The Holy Spirit, is just as important as The Bible is.  And I don’t believe that this philosophy constitutes “Making him up for myself.”  At the end of the day, we each have to decide for ourselves what we believe and what we think is right and wrong.  And I have to assume that a loving God who wants his creations to succeed and to go to heaven (if you believe in such a thing) would not create a handful of hard and fast rules that are the be all and end all and if you don’t get it exactly right you’re damned for all eternity.  Otherwise, I have to assume Heaven is going to be a real quiet place.

I actually feel very much at ease, or at peace with my beliefs as I’ve explained them.  The part of me that can get no peace is the part that was raised by the woman who wrote that e-mail.  The woman who so emphatically believes the things she does and doesn’t believe that there’s room for other interpretations.  The woman who will never let go of the idea that I could have a different belief struction then she and still be right and just, before God’s eyes.

Knowing that I have some very different opinions and beliefs, and that at my very core, there is something about me with which I have struggled; I have tried to deny; I have tried to “recover from”; and ultimately, had to accept, but about which she will never be accepting, what I’m reading is that she will never accept me.  She will never give me the unconditional support that I need to be able to put that part of me at ease.

A Turning Point, Part 1

If you read this post then you know that there has been trouble brewing in my relationship with Vengeful Mother for a very long time.  What follows is a re-visitation of what brought that trouble to the fore:

In September of 2004 I was halfway through my third year working for The Company that Created the HMO (just ask ‘em) and I had been working as an “Assistant Project Coordinator.”  This was a title that was very much a misnomer as, I hadn’t coordinated any projects.  I was really a lot of things.  I was in charge of safety training for the building.  I had oversight of our Janitorial Contractor.  I was the de facto supervisor of my office when the Facility Services Manager (Douche Bag) was out, I was the guy that everyone came to when they had questions or concerns or needed information.  I was “the man”.  I had been told by Fantastical Engineer that, if The Company that Created the HMO had such a job title, I’d essentially be the Assistant Facility Manager.

Douche Bag had been working on promoting me, but there were some issues that were complicating things.  The promotion he was trying to give me was to “Project Coordinator” (logically).  Only problem was there was a $10,000+ difference between my salary and the minimum salary of that position which meant a 24% raise, which was not going to happen.  At the time it was looking like my choices were to accept the promotion with a 10% raise which would make my salary more than $6000.00 less than the minimum (and I’d never catch up) or they’d attempt to put the promotion through with a 15% raise and  be only $4000.00 short.  But, there was no guarantee that raise would be approved and then they couldn’t resubmit it for 10% meaning I’d been screwed out of the promotion entirely.  In retrospect I realize that might have been the best thing but at the time it certainly didn’t seem that way.  When all was said and done, I was promoted to “Project Specialist” which was in intermediate step that DB didn’t even know about, and I received a 14.5% raise that put me into the appropriate salary range for that position.  Before that happened I was really praying for something to come through and looking for support.  I’d had previous conversations with Vengeful Mother about it and wanted to fill her in on what the developments were.  This conversation took place, via instant message on September 15, 2004:

Self: So the latest is, I get 10% now, I’m still eligible for a merit increase at the end of the year and in march the position gets reviewed and I get bumped up whatever amount to get me to the minimum.  Nothing is definite yet.  Nothing is in writing yet.  But that’s what it looks like.  With the paperwork he’ll (Douche Bag) be submitting a 90 day action plan and goals for me to accomplish in the first 6 months.  If for any reason the position doesn’t get reviewed and bumped up, he can give me an evaluation and another 10% raise.

Vengeful Mother: Sounds like something we can get into agreement about.  Of course you can count on me to say this but…  At the same time you should be plugging the leaks in your blessing dam by getting into church and beginning to tithe and give and so forth.

This is an old song and dance and I just couldn’t take it anymore:

Self: Yep.  I know I can count on you.

VM: Do you understand that I’m right?

Self: What do you expect me to say?

VM: I expect you to answer my question.

Self: Well, I know that’s what we’ve heard all my life, but honestly?  I haven’t seen a whole lot of proof of it.  Not just in my life.  In yours too.  And in Dead Beat Dad’s.  And in CPA Sis’s.

VM: Is the Word of God proof enough?  If nobody else in the world manages to get it right (but many have), it doesn’t change the Word of God or His faithfulness.  We could argue all day about what you’ve seen with your eyes and experienced in your life – But the bottom line decision you (and every one of us) have to make is whether you will take God at his Word and move forward accordingly.  It’s very hard to believe God for His blessings on our lives, when our hearts condemn us because it knows we are not wholehearted in our pursuit of serving Him.  You’re an adult now.  You’re responsible before God for your own life.  Not for somebody Else’s.  As for me, I will never stop seeking to do better at it.  To overcome the things in my background and my subconscious and whatever else is involved that hinder me from victory.

Self: That’s not what I’m saying.  And I’m not saying it’s not true.  But the fact is, I’ve grown up watching you right your tithe check every week.  And at the same time I watched you struggle every day to make ends meet.  I’m not saying that tithing is a bad thing but when it comes down to $50.00 to either get you through the week or give away and never see again and struggle the rest of the week…

VM: I know what you’re saying.  The bottom line question remains the same.  And it isn’t to me you have to answer it.  It’s before God and in your everyday life–

Self: You’re the one that insists on asking me on a daily basis.

VM: What you don’t understand is that, without that tithe, we would have gone under long ago.  You have to decide for yourself.  I’m only trying to remind you.  Redemption is an ongoing process that happens every day of our lives for as long as we live on this earth.  The degree to which it is able to work for us is the degree to which we cooperate with the process by seeking to understand and do the things God has laid out for us in His Word.  I love you and I want to see the best in your life.

Self: Well, what you don’t understand is that I’m working on it every day.  I’m trying very hard but it’s not an easy proposition.  And you really don’t help me.

VM: “Working on it” and “trying very hard”, are so much easier when we put ourselves under the teaching of the Word.  That’s why I want to see you go to church.

Self: You don’t seem to realize though that when you say things like this you make me feel inadequate.  Like you have no confidence in me or in the job you did in raising me.  And that’s a set-back for me.

VM: Dont’ be silly.  You KNOW I have confidence in you, and you know I believe in the way I raised you.  Just put that nonsense aside and understand that putting you in remembrance, as the Apostle Paul put it, is a thing that is good for you.  We all need it, and we are all to do it for each other.

Self: No I don’t.  I never have–

VM: Well you should.  I’ve told you many times.

Self: I don’t even know what I’m supposed to say to that.  Words are one thing.  Actions are another.  You wouldn’t let any of us go to our Senior Prom’s because you felt like the point was to “put young people in the mood.”  But you couldn’t accept that you had raised us better.  You’ve been unsupportive of every potential degree choice I’ve ever had, because you didn’t think I could do it and stay faithful.  You were critical of my choice to live in San Francisco because of the gay community.  And this conversation that we’ve had part of over and over again.  You can say you have confidence but you don’t show it.  You have no idea how much that hurts me.

At this point she had to take a phone call at work and by the time she returned to me I was away from my desk.  When I returned she had signed off her IM but I found the following message waiting for me:

VM: Well.  I’m really sorry you feel that way.  I’m telling you now.  You’ll have to believe me or not.  The choice is yours.  But you do need to forgive and forget a lot of things.  That much is obvious.  You can’t keep nursing grudges and hurt feelings.  They just get bigger and bigger and more and more crippling over time.

And you need to try and see my side of it as well.  It would be much easier for me to not be concerned about you if I knew you were involved in things that build you up spiritually.  You’re no different from anyone else.  The fact that I’m concerned about you is no reflection on you personally.  NO ONE can remove himself from spiritual nourishment and not suffer from it.  And the simple truth is that the Word of God commands us not to neglect “the assembly of [ourselves] together” especially “as [we] see the day [of the return of Christ] approaching.”

It isn’t fair for you to try to say that if I have confidence in you I have to believe that there’s no way you can fall prey to the things that Satan has in place to trip you up or rob you of God’s blessings.  Or to say that if I admonish or remind you of these things it means I don’t have confidence in you.  Neither of those things is true.  I love you.  I have great confidence in you and I’m constantly amazed at your abilities and things you do.

I e-mailed the following response to Vengeful Mother knowing it’d go over by a Lead Balloon, which was, in fact the title of the e-mail:

First of all, you need to understand that I’m not holding any grudges.  I suppose I can understand why you would say that, but that’s no the case.  When I gave the examples I gave, it was simply that, giving examples.  I learned a long time ago not to make sweeping generalizations (especially within this family) without supporting data.  As far as “forgive and forget” goes, I don’t even know what that means.  Forgiveness is a choice and I’ve made that choice over and over again with a lot of people in my life for as long as I can remember.  Forgetting on the other hand doesn’t make any sense to me.  One can’t control what they can and can’t (or do and don’t) remember.  I always assume that scripture to mean that you don’t hold it against someone.  In practical application, I suppose that makes sense, but the reality is that if you pretend it didn’t happen (as is what that scripture implies) than you just leave yourself open to be hurt and taken advantage of over and over again.  So how do you “forgive and forget” but still guard your heart and yourself and not be abused?

You said, “It would be much easier for me not to be concerned about you if I knew you were involved in things that build you up spiritually.“, which in and of itself is a criticism.  You went on to say, “You’re no different from anyone else.  The fact that I’m concerned about you is no reflection on you personally.“  I’d have to disagree with that.  I know you can’t talk to everyone the way you talk to me.  People who aren’t your children and obligated to let you say whatever you want, wouldn’t have it.  At least not as constantly and relentlessly as it has been with me.

“NO ONE can remove himself from spiritual nourishment and not suffer from it.“  How in the world can you make the assumption that I get no spiritual nourishment?  You don’t know what I do, or how I spend my time.  You don’t know what I read, or how much time I spend praying or how often I listen to praise and worship music.  And you certainly don’t know where my heart is or how I feel.  The fact is that I do read the books I got at Rhema.  I do read my Bible.  I spent more than a year reading the Bible cover to cover with no interruptions.  I’m not ignorant on the subject.  And I often listen to my RS&B CDs as well as other Praise and Worship CDs.  I’m not saying that’s a substitution for going to church, but as far back as I can remember I haven’t gotten any more out of going to church than I have out of these activities.

And I’m sorry, but it isn’t fair for you to say to me that, “It isn’t fair for [me] to try to say that if [you] have confidence in [me] [you] have to believe that there’s no way [I] can fall prey to the things that Satan has in place to trip [me] up and rob [me] of God’s blessings.“  Because I didn’t say that.  But if you had faith in me, you would assume the best of me instead of assuming the worst.  And you wouldn’t feel the need to constantly make comments and assumptions.  Or, at least you shouldn’t.

What really upsets me about this is I don’t know how to make you understand.  You have no idea the kind of power you hold over me.  It’s hard for me to believe it myself, but it’s true.  You affect everything I do.  My first thought is always, “I wonder what Mom would think”, or “I should tell Mom about this.”  But much of the time, “what Mom would think” is negative.  You don’t realize that I have lived my life for you.  And I know you won’t believe or understand it, but it’s true.  My whole life has been about making you happy and getting your unconditional love and approval and support.  I’ve waited and waited for that, for you to realize it and give me what I need, but it just doesnt’ happen.

That doesn’t mean I don’t believe you love me.  I know you do.  And I know you did the best you could raising us.  I don’t fault you for that in any way.  But just like you don’t know my heart, I can’t know yours.  All I can go by is your actions and your actions have always said that you don’t have faith in me and that you don’t have faith in the job you did of raising me.  If you did have faith in the job you did of raising me, you’d trust that I know what’s right and be a person you could be proud of.  And by the way, just for the sake of clarity, I’m not talking about your confidence in me and my abilities on a physical level.  I’m talking about your confidence in me spiritually and morally.

The thing that bothers me the most about this whole thing is that after having a heartfelt discussion about myself and my feelings and emotions, you simply disregarded them as invalid and proceeded to do the same thing that I just finished telling you was hurting me.  The simple fact that I said, “You have no idea how much that hurts me” should have had some impact.  But it seems you’re more concerned with believing that you’re right and “knowing” that you’re doing the best thing, than you are with how much I need your love and support, not by way of telling me what I should be doing or where I fall short, but by showing with your every action how much you love me and believe in me, just the way I am.

It saddens me to think that I have laid all this bare for you, and I think I know that you will not believe or accept it as accurate.  I wish I knew just the right thing to say to make it so that you will.  But when it’s all said and done, I guess all I can say is, I’ve told you the truth.  I’ve told you how I feel and what I need.  Beyond that I don’t know what to expect.

More of this riveting (I’m sure) story to follow.

Life, Lunacy and the Pursuit of Financial Happiness; or The General State of Affairs

There’s a tickle at the back of my brain. A wee, small voice is calling out for freedom. There is a compulsion making its way to the surface. I feel like I have something to write. I’m just not sure yet what it is.

Saturday was Vengeful Mother’s 64^th birthday. I played the dutiful son and called to wish her Happy Birthday and to inform her that a gift was not to follow. Things have been really tight for me lately. True to form, she took advantage of a moment of vulnerability on my part in which I told her of the financial difficulty I’ve been experiencing, to tell me that I wouldn’t be in this situation if I would just pay my tithes. Because after all, when I’m having trouble making ends meet to begin with the smartest thing I could do is write a $250.00 check, twice a month, for which I’ll receive no goods or services in return. Why wouldn’t I want to be $250.00 shorter per paycheck than I am now?

She tells me things would have been worse if she hadn’t done it, but I remember watching her write her tithe checks regularly, spending her last $50.00, and then having to scrape the cupboards to try to find something to feed her three hungry children. I guess she was “leading by example” by writing the checks, but what she was trying to instill in her children, that God will bless your finances if you tithe, didn’t come through. As far as I can tell, she’s still waiting for the blessing.

I suppose I was meant to accept not suffering homelessness, not having to go to school in rags and not starving to be a blessing. Now, I know I’m a bitter old dolt who has a fucked up sense of obligation but as far as I’m concerned, if Vengeful Mother and Dead Beat Dad weren’t prepared to guarantee those minimums, they should never have procreated in the first place. They probably shouldn’t have anyway. No, to me, being blessed is having all your needs met and having ample opportunities to make the most of your life. Those are the things I most certainly did not see happening when Vengeful Mother put her last few tuppence in the offering plates. Those are the things I didn’t have, period.

Tithes are supposed to be the “first fruits” of your “harvest” or the first 10% of your income. In other words, pre-tax. So my take home pay may be $1500.00 every two weeks, but I earn closer to $2500.00. Uncle SAM (as in Stole All my Money) takes the first nearly $1000.00 and then I’m supposed to hand over $250.00 more than that, before I do anything else? It’s impossible!

We had a luncheon at work today. I work in a small office of about five people. If you’ve read my blog, you’ve already been “introduced” to that group. We have a counter part group who works in another building. We don’t like them. They don’t like us. We have a mutual don’t like for each other and it’s a permanent condition.

Since my manager, Douche bag, is on vacation, the diminutive manager for the other group has been in charge. He decided to buy lunch for everyone today. So we gathered for sandwiches in a conference room. Midway through the lunch, he decided to announce that he was going to make this a monthly thing and that we’d meet for lunch monthly.

Every couple of months this comes up. Douche bag and his fun sized counterpart talk about how we should work together and have team building orgie– er, exercises and be BFFs, like that’s all it takes. Personalities and hard feelings be damned. I’m not sure why they can’t get it through their impenetrable skulls that we do not enjoy each others company and no amount of forcing the issue will change that. In fact forcing it on us will just make it harder to change things.

I had a couple of very peculiar dreams the other night. The first had to do with a forced entry situation at Vengeful Mother’s house. CPA sister and I were both there and it was bed time. CPA Sis was getting into bed in the living room, and Vengeful Mother was in bed in her room. CPA sis came across some papers in the living room that had some significance to a former boyfriend of hers; we’ll call him Breastplate (Explanation to follow). Vengeful Mother and I were reviewing the papers and realized that they were incriminating for Breastplate and some other guys. Suddenly, we heard loud noises as the front door was being broken down. I grabbed the papers and stuffed them under Vengeful Mother’s headboard.

I don’t really remember what happened after that except that the guys were tearing the house apart trying to find the papers and there was threatening and violence going on.

The second dream had a similar theme. I dreamed that Vengeful Mother and I were in a drug/grocery store and we had separated. The store was taken hostage by a group of ne’er-do-wells. I do not remember what their motivations were, but I remember that they were very rough. They were armed, but they had some sort of poison darts that they used to kill some of the hostages.

Once again, I do not remember the details of the dream but I remember that Vengeful Mother was killed with one of those darts. The dream ended when the police broke into the store and took out the bad dudes. I had managed to kill one of them in the course of my dream so when it was clear that the evil doers were going to die, their leader shot me with one of the darts, a moment before a policeman shot and killed him. Then just as everything was going dark I felt a sharp prick and shortly after I recovered. The police had the antidote for the poison and were able to save me, but not Vengeful Mother.

My therapist had the audacity to go on vacation last week and so it’ll have been two weeks since I’ve seen her, when I get to my appointment tomorrow evening. It seems as though I may have a lot to talk about. I do not wish for Vengeful Mother’s demise, but I do know that many things would be a lot easier on me if she was no longer part of my life. As I mentioned, she just turned 64 and some of you might be saying I don’t have that much longer with her, but you’d be wrong. People in my family, on both sides actually, live very long lives. My Paternal Grandfather who just died was almost 92. My Paternal Grandmother was in her early 80s when she died of cancer. My Maternal Grandmother was 84 when she died. The only enigma, if you will, is my Maternal Grandfather. He was killed when a psychotic divorceé boarded his plane wearing a dynamite vest in 1962. Grandfather was in his late 30s. Who knows how old he would have lived to be?

I take comfort in the fact that I won’t have to face the death of my parents for many years, and yet, there would be some comfort to be taken if I didn’t have to deal with those troubled relationships any further.

After nearly a year of negotiation, my regrettably pink bathroom is finally going to be remodeled starting on Monday, August 25, 2008. I’m dreading it. It’s going to be a major hassle for me. Their will be detritus everywhere while the work is happening. For a few days, my shower will be unavailable to me. Scared kitty will have to be closed up in the kitchen for his own safety and sanity, and the house will have to be thoroughly cleaned this week before my landlord sets foot in the place to meet with the contractor. I’ll be thrilled when the work is done.

My house was built in the 1920s. And the bathroom may well be the original bathroom, save for a new-ish toilet that was put in fewer than 5 years ago. The floor, sink counter and backsplash, and two sided shower surround are all covered in 4″ x 4″ pastel pink tile. The counter has a beveled, raised, pastel pink tile boarder that is hard to keep clean, and the counter is only 22 inches deep while the sink is 26 inches deep, so there is an angled protrusion from the counter where the sink is. The tile is dirty with the kind of dirt that doesn’t come out. Decade upon decade of use has resulted in a hue of grey that covers the pink such that only a power sand scrub or perhaps a dose of hydrochloric acid would make it come off, and then the tile would come up too. There are also what my landlady calls spider vein cracks in the tile. But most importantly, IT’S PINK!

Apparently, in the 1920s people were a good foot and a half shorter than they are now. The shower head, were it not to have an aftermarket handheld shower wand added to it, would hit me mid tattoo

 

and require me to bend down significantly to use it, and the top of the tile shower surround hits my shoulder level. Here in Oakland, we have a lot of mold issues to deal with, and it’s been my concern all along that this is going to be an issue if left unchecked.  (By the way, no comments about my ogre head!)

When completed, my bathroom is going to have new shower head that is up about two feet from it’s current location, the shower surround will be two single slabs of granite that will go up to 18″ from the ceiling, their will be an entirely new sink console with a new sink with polished nickel fixtures including a goose neck faucet. A new wall mounted mirror will hang over the counter and the counter will be single slab marble. Their will be fresh paint, new light fixtures, new towel hooks and rods and a brand new pergo floor. When finished the bathroom will be modern and lovely and will match the rest of the renovated house. I can’t wait!

And then theirs work. Douche Bag returns from his three and a half week tour of China tomorrow. When that happens, the respite I have had from all the shit that comes with his presence will be over. I do not look forward to that. I so desperately want to change jobs. I want to find something to do that is fulfilling and gratifying. I want to make a living being creative and inspiring to people. I would like to be a writer, but I don’t know how to make a living that way.

What I need is a sugar daddy! I’m now taking applications! Serious inquiries only, please!